by Sarah Weston

Let it be known that I had a Korean-food themed New Year’s Eve party in the works WAY before Kim Jong Il decided to ruin it all and make me look completely tasteless. Instead of re-theming the menu, I’ve decided to embrace the indelicacy and GO ALL OUT! As such, you are cordially invited to a…

GEOPOLITICALLY TACKY NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY!!!!!!!!!

Have you ever wondered if you’d make the same dirty jokes at a party if you knew you were being wiretapped? Do you have a burning desire to know what a “Fascist Party Favor” is? Do you ever wonder what kind of tattoo (butterfly, heart, or tramp stamp?) your favorite dictator sported on his hiney? Have you ever had the urge to play a game of “Pin the Mustache on the Dictator” or “Spin the Molotov Cocktail?”

Well then, this is the (AUTOCRATIC) PARTY FOR YOU!!!!!!!

The Date: 31^st of December
The Time: 8 o’clock in the P.M.
The Place: Your nearest bunker
The Dictatorial Details: There will be no uprisings at this party. So check your free thought and speech at the door with your coats. In fact, this whole party’s going to be censored, kind of like the rest of this sentence dissentious a material in dissentious material and that’s when she dissentious material dissentious for material by dissentious material or dissentious material to dissentious with material then dissentious material.

Potential Party Games include Fascist Family Favorites like….

• Musical Electric chairs™ – where the winner is the person who doesn’t get a chair
• Totalitarian Telephone™ – a game of censoring sentences beyond recognition
• Francisco…. Franco! ™ – a version of the popular “Marco… Polo!”
• Stoning, Firing Squad, Guillotine™ – a delightful modification of “Rock, Paper, Scissors”
• Spot the Informant ™– a variant on “Where’s Waldo?”
• Truth or Dare… on the RACK. ™
• Socialist Charades™
• Knock in the Night™ – Followed by a game of “Hide and Go Seek.”

How to Best Prepare for this Party…

1. Come dressed as your favourite dictator! Need inspiration? Here’s a list…

• “Don’t disrupt me, I’m anachronistically playing the Four Seasons on my violin… also it’s getting a little hot in here, someone turn down the thermostat” Nero (Roman Empire)
• “Broseph” Joseph “I mustache you to join the Communist Party” Stalin (Soviet Union)
• Adolf “I keep my mustache this short because I get embarrassing amounts of schnitzel stuck in it if it’s any longer” Hitler (Third Reich, Nazi Germany)
• Emperor “My skin grafting operation didn’t go as well as expected” Palpatine (The Galactic Empire)
• Benito “I actually prefer coffee, please stop asking me to tea” Mussolini (Fascist Italy)
• Napoleon “my sideways hat is almost as obnoxiously large as my ego” Bonaparte (Post-Reign of Terror France)

2. Design a unique commemorative mustache for Kim Jong Il. Help the recently departed dictator join the impressive mustachetorial ranks of his fellow autocratic rulers (see: Stalin and Hitler).

Still thinking of joining a different party? I have testimonials…

“They rang in the New Year with absolutely no tact at all.” – The New York Times

“I felt invigorated to join a Totalitarian party after playing ‘Spot the Informant.’” – The LA Times

R.S.V.P. … or else

xoxoxoxoxoxox,

Comrade Weston